IF WE CAN MAKE ANY GOOD OUT OF A BAD SITUATION WE WOULD LIKE 2 EDUCATE.
Mind of a Stalker: Why Torment Someone?
Stalkers are lonely and lack self-esteem, yet they feel very, very important.
By Jeanie Lerche Davis
Reviewed by Michael W. Smith, MD
WebMD Feature Archive
It seems to be the price of celebrity: The stalker. Catherine Zeta-Jones has received threatening letters from a stalker who is infatuated with her husband. David Letterman has lived with it for years. What motivates these stalkers, and how dangerous are they?
While celebrity stalking makes the news, far more frequently it's those living normal lives -- women and men both -- who are stalked by someone they know, typically a former partner or someone they're involved with.
According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, 370,000 men are stalked annually -- one in 45 men. More than 1 million women are stalked every year; about one in every 12 women will be stalked in her lifetime.
Origins of Stalking
There's a line between the overzealous pursuer and the stalker. "Stalking is much more about inducing fear," says Brook Zitek, DO, a forensic psychiatrist at Temple University School of Medicine in Philadelphia. "It's repeated boxes of candy, clothing, showing up at your house, putting things through your mail slot, notes on your car -- even though you've asked them to stop," she tells WebMD.
The overwhelming majority of stalkers are men -- four to one, Zitek says. Psychiatrists have developed several stalker profiles:
not one applies!
The rejected and predatory stalkers are most likely to assault their victims, says Zitek.
"The stalker is usually an isolated and shy person, one who lives alone, lacks any type of important intimate relationship -- not just sexual, but friends or family, too," Moore tells WebMD. "There's also a narcissistic personality disorder and very low self-esteem. The stalker feels that they're the most important person in the world."
Many people stalk someone they have only met briefly -- someone they don't really know, or barely know. The stalker may also focus on a celebrity, especially if they've seen him or her in person -- at a public appearance like a concert. "They develop convoluted thoughts about this person. They feel this person is the answer to their dreams," says Moore.
Stalkers write countless letters or emails to their victims, begging for attention. They make repeated phone calls, send gifts, flowers, candies, cards. They secretly follow the victim, either by car or in an insidious way -- by getting access to the victim's email.
"We've seen this in many relationships. The stalker figures out your password and reads all your email," Moore tells WebMD. "Many people use the same password for many things -- the ATM, various email accounts, and web sites. Stalkers are often smart enough figure that out and use it to get into email. They even get into the victim's bank account, find out which ATM they use, find out up to the minute where they went to eat, when they shopped."
The Person Least Likely ...
You would never guess all this while dating the person, says John Moore, a licensed professional counselor in Chicago and author of Confusing Love With Obsession.
"They wear a mask of charm," he tells WebMD. "They're the kindest, nicest people. You wouldn't know what's really going on. You only become aware when clues of their behavior show up -- when your email provider locks you out because you've logged your password incorrectly too many times, for example."
In many scenarios, the stalking begins as a relationship is ending -- a divorce or breakup, says Moore. One partner becomes obsessed, convinced that this is their ideal partner. The stalker may believe that the victim is in love with him or her.
When to Be Concerned
The red flags:
"Don't make any sudden moves," says Moore. "Don't tell them 'I don't want anything do with you.' By rejecting that person, there is a chance of violence. If you reject that person, often times they feel angry, threatened. There is the possibility of violence."
If this doesn't work, you may need to take legal action, Moore says. File a police report, file a restraining order, change your email and ATM passwords. "Their fantasy is that you love them. You really need to be on the offensive. There's no harm in changing passwords."
Caution: "Never, ever underestimate a threat. Don't take it lightly, even if it's in an email. Take it to the authorities. Ignore it at your own peril. It will only get worse," he says.
Threat. Never ever a threat-ever!
He describes the "obsessive love wheel" -- the various stages of a relationship obsession:
"Unless a stalker wants to change, you can't stop them," Moore tells WebMD. "They will only change when their world around them starts crashing around them."
Equally disturbing: Law enforcement officials often don't act on reports of stalking, Zitek adds. "They're more understanding now than they used to be. But if you call the police and say, 'My ex-boyfriend is stalking me,' they may not actually do anything about it. They'll say, 'Call us if he comes on your property.'"
Here's something else to consider: Are you a stalker? If you see this obsessive pattern in yourself, see a therapist or join a support group like Co-Dependents Anonymous, he says. "A lot of times, stalkers have addiction issues. They may be drinking or doing drugs. It's important for them to reach out. But they also have to reach in -- admit something is going on, get to a therapist or support group so they don't feel all alone."
Be Alert To Common Traits of Stalkers
Don’t Be The Next Target
If you read nothing else on this site, please take the time to read this section. It is extremely important to be aware of the following traits of stalkers. These will alert you to the possibility that a potential suitor or even a friend or acquaintance could become a stalker.
Stalkers will not take no for an answer.
They refuse to believe that a victim is not interested in them or will not rekindle their relationship and often believe that the victim really does love them, but just doesn't know it and needs to be pushed into realizing it. As long as they continue pursuing their victim, the stalker can convince themselves they haven't been completely rejected yet.
No? Please? Had Mr. Henche and Brooke NOT been kind, then I wouldn't have reacted with the familiarity as I had. If there was an issue, then at a few public events where there was paid for security, they wouldn't have thought twice about INVITING ME + them asking me to leave.
Stalkers display an obsessive personality.
They are not just interested in, but totally obsessed with the person they are pursuing. Their every waking thought centers on the victim, and every plan the stalker has for the future involves the victim. Ask yourself this. Is the person totally involved in and completely overwhelmed with pursuing someone who has no and never will have any interest in him or her?
Along with obsessive thinking, they also display other psychological or personality problems and disorders. They may suffer from erotomania, paranoia, schizophrenia, and delusional thinking. According to Professor R. Meloy, "these stalkers have rigid personalities and maladaptive styles. These disorders in themselves are very stable and not treatable." There are drugs to treat certain specific mental disorders, but stalkers, when given the choice, seldom continue with their medication or treatment.
'maybe at age 12-15 when I hid my abuse as a kid. I grew out of Brooke as I did my boys size 12 Levi slims.
Stalkers are above average in intelligence and are usually smarter than the run of the mill person with mental problems.
They will go to great lengths to obtain information about their victims or to find victims who have secretly moved. They have been known to hack into computers, tap telephone lines, take jobs at public utilities that allow them access to the victims or information about the victims, and even to travel thousands of miles and spend thousands of dollars to gain information about or find their victims. Stalkers many times use their intelligence to throw others off their trail.
Ive lived in the same cities as the Shields' and have only run into them 4x... AND ONLY AFTER THEY MOVE WITHIN 2 BLOCKS OF MY HOME.
Most stalkers don't have any relationship outside the one they are trying to re-establish or the one they have imagined exists between them and their victim.
1. Robert C.
2. Mikey T.
3. Steve R.
4. Doug J.
5. Christopher L.
6. Jerry K.
7. Colton W.
8. Christopher C.
9. Craig S.
10. Carl B.
11. Frank K.
Those listed above are those most close. I am no loner- far from it.
Because they are usually loners, stalkers become desperate to obtain this relationship.
Stalkers don't display the discomfort or anxiety that people should naturally feel in certain situations.
Normal individuals would be extremely embarrassed to be caught following other people, going through their trash looking for information about them, leaving obscene notes, and other inappropriate behavior displayed by stalkers. Stalkers, however, don't see this as inappropriate behavior, but only as a means to gain the person's love.
Stalkers often suffer from low self-esteem, and feel they must have a relationship with the victim in order to have any self worth.
Preoccupations with other people almost always involve someone with weak social skills and low self-esteem.
Few stalkers can see how their actions are hurting others.
They display other sociopathic thinking in that they cannot learn from experience, and they don't believe society's rules apply to them. Most stalkers don't think they're really threatening, intimidating, or even stalking someone else. To the victims of stalking it is like a prolonged rape.
Stalkers, like rapists, want absolute control over their victims. They don't regard what they're doing as a crime, or even wrong. To them it is true love, with the exception that the victim doesn't recognize it yet. With enough persistence, stalkers believe they will eventually convince the victims of their love.
Stalkers many times have a mean streak and will become violent when frustrated. How violent? Often deadly.
***one would need to care to become mean. I care about child protection. Google me.
The above traits remind us that much of stalking involves harassment and annoyance, but never forget that stalkers can also be extraordinarily dangerous. Believing that their victims love and care for them, ****I couldn't believe I would even register.. it's why I've always re-introduced and narrated not only who I was but why- Child ADVOCACY... stalkers can become violent when frustrated in their quest for this love.
Although the majority of cases do not end in murder or grave bodily injury, enough do every year that victims should never brush aside the possibility. Victims of stalking should never take the crime lightly, no matter who the stalkers are or how close they have been emotionally.
Look carefully again at the traits below and be wary if someone seems to fit these:
1. Won't take no for an answer
2. Has an obsessive personality
3. Above average intelligence
4. No or few personal relationships
5. Lack of embarrassment or discomfort at actions
6. Lack of self esteem
7. Sociopathic thinking
8. Has a mean streak
1. NO for an answer- bull-shit. Who doesn't take no for an answer?
3. Above Average/ honors intelligence.
4. Relationships. Too many to count.
5. Lack of embarrassment? I'd have hung myself, but I will always defend myself because I have integrity.
6. Self-Esteem?? I have incredible arrogance. Who else takes on the 'corrupt’ judicial system?
7. Sociopath- NY LEGAL AID claims Ms. Shields a sociopath. I blame an arrogant, criminal ADA who suborned perjury.
Lack of conscience?
EVERYTHING I've done has been to #STOPGunSchoolViolence
8. Mean streak- I'm scicilian.
Actually, I don’t h8 my rapist, I don’t h8 pedophile priest, I don’t h8 Brooke.. I do h8 djtRump..
14 Nice things girls say are creepy/Stalking
Chivalry may not be dead, but sometimes it takes on the form of a stalker, or at the very least a creeper.
Guys: we know you’re trying to be nice, but these gestures actually just send us running for the hills.
1. WALKING YOU TO YOUR CAR/HOME
It’s nice that the guy doesn’t want you to be attacked by a robber—or worse—but you spend the whole walk wondering if he is a robber—or worse. And then all you can think is; “Now he knows where I live” or “Maybe he just wrote down my license plate number.” Men: if it’s the first time you’re meeting a woman, don’t walk her to her car or home, just the two of you. Put her in a cab if you really care.
2. CARRYING YOUR BAGS
You’re no fragile old lady. When a guy eagerly swoops up, out of nowhere, saying, “Let me take those for you” as he practically already is, you’re just worried he’s about to run off with them.
3. LOCKING THE PASSENGER SIDE DOORIs he trying to make sure nobody on the outside gets in, or that nobody on the inside gets out?? It’s especially creepy when a guy does this when the car is already well in motion, as if something is about to happen that would make you consider jumping out of a moving car!
4.OFFERING YOU A RIDE HOMEWomen are no stranger to Stranger Danger! The guy might know he’s a standup citizen, trying to protect you from all the creepers in the neighborhood, but he has to realize that if he just rolled up, you have no way of knowing he’s not trying to kidnap you.
5. LEAVING A NOTE ON YOUR DOORSTEP OR CAR “I see you walking in this neighborhood every morning” or “I noticed you going to work down the street and I think you’re cute…” The guy thinks it’s romantic: all you can think is somebody who you never even noticed before has been watching you! And now knows where you live or work or park.
6. CALLING TO SAY GOODNIGHT THE NIGHT HE GOT YOUR NUMBER
You meet a guy at a bar, or on the beach, or in the grocery store, and give him your number. He calls you that night to say goodnight. Not to ask you on a date, but just to say goodnight. That’s not cute—that’s forced intimacy. He’s not your boyfriend!
Ordering for you
Offering up Your Seat
Offering to Drive Your Car
Bringing You Lunch
Bringing You Flowers
Woman Stalked By A Gay Man on Hauser Blvd
Posted on May 13, 2015
Yes, I can’t believe this! This guy is gay! He gave off the vibe of someone who has been watching my numerous youtube videos for quite some time, waiting for the right time to “talk” and that is why he insisted, I mean, fucking IMPOSED HIMSELF today on me as I was talking to my […]
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Do gay guys compete or stalk pretty girls?
My gay friend is always commenting on how pretty I am. He has started copying off of my fashion sense and started to like the same things I like etc.
This other gay guy has been staring at me all the time and watching me. He has copied off of me too, in my style!!
Do gay men watch attractive women and stalk them, NO. Stalking is a delusion relation type thinking.
SIR ROY. .K.G · 5 years ago
Mick · 5 years ago
By Laura Richards, CEO of Paladin, National Stalking Advocacy Service
2:49PM BST 01 May 2015
This week saw the fifth prosecution of Elliot Fogel, a man who has been stalking his former classmate Claire Waxman for 12 years. He’s been jailed three times in the past, and has been given a three-and-a-half year prison sentence for yet another breach of his restraining order.
So why won’t Fogel stop?
“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”