green-eyed monster

'no relevance.

 It did resonate a bit, however.  
'my word is my bond and I'd never betray.  

say what you want, there are good people and there are not so good...  

​j

Yesterday,
I went home for lunch,
I never go home for lunch.

When I got to our apartment 
I don't know why but I didn't reach for my key. 

Francine was at work and I always leave last in the morning. 
I was sure I had locked the door but I didn't reach for my key.

I reached for the door knob and turned.

The door was open. 

I don't know how I knew.
The moment I entered I knew.  

I froze.
I could feel it,
smell it,
hell I could taste it.

I started walking but my muscles wouldn't move,  
my lungs were grasping for air 
for some oxygen 
some sweet, sweet oxygen
but I could barely breathe.

“Leave!” I told myself but I kept walking.

Not really walking, 
it was like moving through mud, 
like a slow motion scene in a movie. 

But this wasn't a movie. 

This was my life and I could feel it slipping away 
from my grasp.

I heard noises!

Francine. 

I had heard those noises
a hundred times before, 
they were the sounds of an Angel 
but this was no heaven 
this was my own private nightmare.

The moans traveled through the muck in the air 
amplified like the hiss from a distorted speaker. 
It mocked me over and over again.

Climbing a mountain might have been easier 
but I finally reached the bedroom,

and there they were,

and there she was.

I knew,
I knew the moment I entered the apartment. 
Why hadn't I just turned back? 
I could barely see, my eyes were blurry, 
covered in layers of my own tears.

I could see her 
I knew I had never seen him before.
They were naked and in our bed. 

Naked in OUR BED!

How do you that?

How do you cross the line to that extreme?

You'd think the green eyed monster 
would control my actions from here on in. 

​I did see green!
I was insanely jealous but I didn't want to end
up the morning headline in the newspaper.

That monster jealousy was by my side but I took charge.  
I'd have to keep him at bay,
at least for now.

You'd think I would be mad,
I wasn't.
You'd think I'd curse and call her whore.
I didn't!

Being cut open alive must be lest painful than this.  
This hacked away at my spirit, 
tore away at my self worth.

I felt like a pile of worthless shreds.
I spoke I mean my lips moved and words came out...

I think. 
I think I said, 
I'm not sure it all happened so fast,
she never spoke.

I could see the shame on her face 
she didn't need to speak, 

but,
but I think I said 'Sorry...
I said Sorry and I left.

I wandered for what seemed hours, 
it was minutes. 
It wasn't like I was meandering to a different drummer; 
there just wasn't any music anymore.

I was moving to the rhythm of the beating of my own heart. 

Like a broken record it was skipping,
like a broken record it played 
in a loop of repetitive monotony.

I suffered in my circled steps 
until I couldn't stand it any more.

I found just enough strength 
to return to the apartment.

I knew she was gone 
I already felt the emptiness in my whole.

We'd never see each other again.

We had been so much.

She was a big part of my life.
She was the love of my life.
I would never love anyone like that again.

So much of her was me.

I thought she was my soul mate.

We let go of all of it.

There is a feeling of betrayal.
A feeling of disgust.

A jealousy that takes over.

I'd never look at her the same again.

Everything she ever did from that day on
would always make me suspicious.

Jealousy would rule me.
Jealousy should never rule anyone.

If you can't trust the people in your life,
friend or lover,
you need to remove that person from your life.
You have to remove that person out of your life.

Trust,
Trust is the only gift we can offer.
Friend, lover or stranger!

People can trust me.
My word is my bond.

I let her go,  
I really didn't have a choice
I would never be the same again.

She was gone.
She had left a note.
It said Sorry!
Sorry! We both were.


Maurice Yvonne 11~30~2014
The Green-Eyed Monster